"HOLDING" ON

This is a different kind of writing for me. What I am writing are words that God has shown me and is telling me to use to reach myself as well as others. As I am writing God is talking to me and telling me to LET GO, Why Are you Holding on? I am holding you so you don't have to hold onto it anymore. God is talking to me about the pain and shame I hold onto. I have held onto the pain and the shame of my youth for too long and I thought I didn't know how to let it go... BUT God... Is taking my hand and leading me on. So I reach to him and say I will Let Go and Hold On to you.


The definition of Holding has many different meanings depending on the context in which it is used. Some examples are:

1. To physically hold something: to have or keep in the hand; keep fast; grasp: She held the purse in her right hand

2. To hold without touching: to set aside; reserve or retain: to hold merchandise until called for.

3. Holding yourself back: To keep back from action; hinder; restrain: Fear held him from acting.

4. Who is Holding you back? a controlling force or dominating influence: to have a hold on a person.

5. Holding onto your faith: to have or keep in the mind; think or believe: We hold this belief.


With the first example of Holding it is showing an example of holding onto something in a physical sense. There are many different things that we can hold physically. We can hold the word of God in our hand. We can hold a piece of paper or a family member who is hurt. What is it that you are holding onto? With the second example it is showing the way we hold on with out having to touch it physically. This can be the pain of your youth or the what ifs. This can be holding onto a dream or nightmare. What is it that you are holding onto? The third example is showing us how we hold ourselves back. Is it fear that is holding you back, is it knowing that if you let go more trials will come? What is is that you are holding onto? The fourth example is showing us that there are people in our lives who are holding us back. This can be a family member, a friend, an enemy, someone you have not forgiven. Whoever it may be ask yourself why am I holding on? So again God asks me What is it that you are holding onto? The fifth and final example shows us how we hold onto things we believe. Are you holding onto the word of God? Are you holding onto your faith? What is it that you are holding onto? Going back to the 2nd example about putting something on reserve... God already has your robe waiting for you it is your choice whether or not you want to pick it up. God already has your crown waiting for you again you have a choice to make.


What are you willing to let go of in order to gain a closer relationship with God? What have you been holding onto that God is telling you to let go of? After you have thought about this for a while ask yourself why am I still holding onto it? Is it worth the pain, is it worth sacrificing what God has in store for you because you want to hold onto it? God is trying to tell us that we need to come to him empty so HE can fill us up. We can not go to him half empty and expect the miracle that is waiting for us to come. We can not go to him full because there will be no room for him to work. God is beginning a new work in us so we have to lay aside our garments and accept what He has. He died for us so we wouldn't have to "hold" onto the pain and the shame of our past. He endured physical pain for us. All He is asking us to do is let go of what we are holding onto.

1Corinthians 15:2-4 KjV
2By which also ye are saved, if ye keep in memory what I preached unto you, unless ye have believed in vain. 3For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures; 4And that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures:

1 Corinthians 15:2-4 NKJV
2 by which also you are saved, if you hold fast that word which I preached to you—unless you believed in vain.3 For I delivered to you first of all that which I also received: that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures; 4 that He was buried, and that He rose again the third day according to the Scriptures,

The word keep and hold have the same meaning in this scripture. They both mean to retain or to save. He tells us plainly to hold fast to his teachings. To hold fast to our faith, and the Love we have for Him. There is no room in our hearts for pain and for the what ifs. The only room we have in our hearts should be a room where the Holy Spirit can dwell and minister to us. If we are holding onto the past then there is no room for the spirit to move. It is as if we are cutting Jesus off by saying... No you can't have that because I want to keep it. How many times does God say no you can't have this it is mine? Is it fair to keep things that belong to him? That was one of the main reasons why He died on the cross. He died for our sins.

My pastor has been teaching us about how to be more kingdom minded. What I have gathered so far from his teachings are that we have to be Spirit filled and Spirit led. We can not have one foot in the church and another in the world. God doesn't work that way. One of the scriptures that has been mentioned a lot during this study is Revelations 3:15-16 which states:

15I know thy works, that thou art neither cold nor hot: I would thou wert cold or hot. 16So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth.

By still holding onto things that are not of God we are considered Luke warm Christians. We go to church on Sunday, get a little nudge by the Holy Spirit and are ok until Monday. When Monday comes around we start to pick up the things that we have left at the alter the previous day. Why is that. Why do we put ourselves through the same pain over and over again? God already provided the sacrifice for our sins and pain.

God is asking me now as I write are you cold or are you hot? I respond with Lord I am Hot but I want to be hotter. I want to be filled more than what I am. I want you to guide my footsteps. I don't want to Hold onto my past anymore, I don't want to hold onto anyone or anything that will hinder me from becoming what you already foresee me as becoming. Lord I am sorry for what I have done and how I have hindered you from the work that you have begun in me.

So I ask you what is it that you are holding onto, that God has been telling you to let go of? All you have to do is say Lord I give you (fill in the blank) I don't want it anymore. I don't want anything to separate me from You. Lord my cup is empty please fill it so it runs over. Fill it so I can minister to those around me. Fill it so I can walk into a room a change the atmosphere just by my presence.

He is waiting for you to speak to him. He is waiting for you to Let go of what you have been holding onto. So Let Go and Let God.

My Story

I ask myself where do I start. The only answer that comes is start from the beginning. So here we go on the journey I call my story.

I was born into a family that I thought was perfect. That was coming from an 8 year olds mind. My family was not perfect. My father was an alcoholic and my mother was trying to cover up his faults. At an early age I found refuge in going to church because I thought I could bury the hurt and pain. That soon changed when we moved away from a place I called home for 5 years to a place that would be the beginning of who I was, not who I am today.


I had moved from Bridgewater Ct, which is a small country town with a population of 1,500 to a city called Shelton with a population of 38,000. I was in a what some may call a culture shock because for 5 years I was used to cow pastures and people who looked out for one another.I moved to an area where the most common youth discussions were about what drugs they have done and who they did

To back track a little bit my mother and father had separated for a while because of his drinking. My father ended up in rehab two or three times within a 5 year span. That is when my mother got fed up and told him in order for him to live with us he would have to stop drinking. He decided to move out for a few months to "figure" things out. That is when we moved to Shelton. The rent was cheaper and the jobs were closer to home (in case my father should show up). This is when things went from bad to worse.

My mother became depressed due to the fact that she was working 2 jobs to support 3 kids on her own. My brother didn't understand why dad left. As for me I thought it was my fault, because when I was 8 yrs. old my father told me I was not his daughter, once when he was sober and once when he was drunk. Now that is something that should crush you, but I tell you it only made me hate my father. The man I was taught to honor just told me I was nothing to him. I was mad. I held onto that anger for a long time.

When we first moved I stayed to myself and then I made friends with someone I shouldn't have. I became friends with my downstairs neighbor who was ten years older than I was. That was when I started drinking, I was thirteen years old. That would have to be the start of my downfall. I started to hang out downstairs and drink and party as if I was 20-25 years of age not a lonely 13 year old girl whose father walked out on her family. I did not know how to deal with the hurt so I looked to drugs and alcohol. I remember vividly one day in particular I was hanging out downstairs because my mother let my father move back in with us. She thought he wasn't drinking anymore, but he was. I was hanging out and drinking and the last thing I remember before waking up was downing a pint of Southern comfort. I woke up to my mother dragging me upstairs by the back of my shirt. I was ordered to wash dishes and not move from the spot I was in until she got home. It was 6 am and she was not due back from work until 1.

My mother left me home with my father in charge of watching over me. What my mother didn't know is that my father had a handle of vodka upstairs in the attic and he would disappear for 5 minutes at a time. So when he was finally drunk enough to where he passed out at the kitchen table I was out the back door. That was the first of many times I would take off from home.

I went from taking off for a couple of hours to the most I think was 2-3 weeks at a time. I was living at friends houses and on the streets. I remember sleeping on the steps of a church because I had no where to go. I was doing things that I can not even mention. I was finding any way possible to escape from the hurt and the pain. I would steal money from my sister to buy pot or to get my "so-called" friends to buy me alcohol. I didn't use the money for food because I was addicted at that time to masking my feelings by getting high and drunk.

This pattern continued on for the next year to year and a half. It was when I was 14 years old that I was arrested for possession of alcohol to a minor. I ended up going to Juvenile hall. From Juvenile hall I went to Hartford ADP (alternative to detention program). You would think after going to all these programs that I got the message that what I was doing was wrong. Well I didn't. When I got out I continued to take off from home and drink and smoke more than what I was before. I was in a state of mind that alcohol and drugs were the only thing I knew. I soon got arrested again and was sent to juvy one more time.

This time was different. When I was in Juvy we had a pastor come in and give us a Gideons bible. It included Psalms, Proverbs, and the New Testament. The first verse that I learned was John 3:16. To you it may have been a common scripture but to me it was a stronghold. Something I held onto, something I still hold onto this day. To know that If I believe that God sent his one and only son I will not perish but have eternal life was something I held fast to.

When I got out of Juvy the second time I had the mindset of doing things God's way and straightening out my life. That did not last too long. I had no self esteem and when my "friends" started to come back around again I fell back into the things that I was doing before, BUT there was something different about this time. I kept hearing a voice saying go home you are loved. I brushed it off. I kept ignoring the voice until one day it was so loud that there was no ignoring it. I went home and went to go into the back door. That is when i heard laughter coming from upstairs. My mother and Brother were in my mom's room and they were laughing about something. At this point I heard another voice this time it was a deep raspy voice telling me see they are happy with out you why don't you leave. So I left. I listened to the wrong voice and I left.

I fell into the same old pattern of taking off from home and drinking. I didn't think about what this was doing to my mother, all I was thinking about was where my next fix was coming from. This went on for the next year. Finally a judge realized that juvy and the adp program did not work so they sent me to a program called the Children's Center. It is a center for children ranging from 8-18 yrs of age who have become uncontrollable and who can no longer be trusted. I am grateful to this day that I was sent to this program. The staff at the Children's Center opened my eyes to see that there is more out there than what meets the eye. That we don't always have to do what other people are doing.

I remember one staff member who saw a need and met that need. Her name was Jody and she took us to church on a Sunday morning and that fire that I thought had gone out started to warm up again. Then a change happened where Jody no longer worked there so I could no longer go to church on Sunday. I got depressed again. I didn't know "how" to pray, I didn't know how to cope with things, because I was never taught.

So the only thing I knew to do was to run. So I ran. and I kept on running until my 16th birthday. It was then that I decided to move out and move to Hamden Ct. To be closer to my boyfriend. So I moved and you know how the story goes girlfriend moves to be closer to boyfriend, boyfriend breaks up with girlfriend. I was upset but I did not run this time because I was working and I was on my own. I started to date a man that I worked with and after 2 yrs of dating we got married. After 2 yrs. of marriage and trying to get him to go to counseling we got a divorce. So by the age of 20 I was married and divorced. I didn't know what to do. So through a friend at work I started going back to church.


I can say that I am blessed. I can say that God has brought me out from a pit. It is through the grace of God that I am alive today and that I can write the things I do. We all go through things, some of which is our own fault, and some is a test to strengthen us. Do not be discouraged with your current situation because God can lead you to victory. Always remember it does not matter where you have been all that matters is where you are going.

There is a scripture I like because there is no need to elaborate on it.
Isaiah 41:10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.