I have been hiding in what I would like to call my comfort zone/my little box. I have stepped outside of it a little, but i find myself reeling myself back in. I trust God fully but i find it hard sometimes to trust myself with what God wants for my life and what he has called me to do. I know God won't give me more than I can bare and He hasn't called me to do something He knows I can't do. But I am still scared. I have dreams and goals but I have been putting them on hold because I don't know what the outcome will be. I have been praying that this fear will be lifted. I can say that it is being lifted daily. I find myself becoming more confident in who I am in Christ. That He will not leave my side that He will always be with me regardless of circumstances. I am beginning to finally find who God wants me to be even though I knew all along I am humbling myself before Him and letting Him take control of my life. I have officially put my life on Autopilot and God is at the wheel.
I have gone through so much with me behind the wheel I don't think there is enough time in a single day to write it all. Ive had ups and downs. Trials after trials. Failed relationships. I even turned away from God for a moment, but I came back to Him because I know my life cannot be whole without Him. There was always a void in my life growing up and I never realized what it was until I came to know God. What was missing was the unconditional love. The knowing that everything is already taken care of. That even though I may fall He is going to be there to lift me up again.
I know I am called to work with the youth of our world. I know specifically that I am to work with juvenile delinquents especially those who are just coming out of juvenile hall. I want to be able to minister to them to let them know that even though the world has turned its back on them God is still there. I was one of those juvenile delinquents. I was in juvy not just once but three times. I became a ward of the state at the age of 14 until the time I was 15 1/2. My mother gave up her parental rights because I was uncontrollable. The first time I got out of juvy, I didn't know who to turn to, to talk about why I was taking off from home or why I was drinking and doing drugs, I just wanted to reach out and tell someone that I needed to be loved that I needed the support of my family. I thought they didn't care I thought they didn't want me around. I didn't tell them until about 7 years ago when I was baptized that I finally found what I was searching for all those years when I was taking off from home. I was searching for a fulfillment in my life for a purpose for me to get up every morning, and I found that in Jesus. I found the unconditional love of a Father. Of someone who will always be there for me especially when I fall and get back up again. This is what I want to show them, that they are loved regardless of the circumstances. When you are in juvy it is very difficult to talk to anyone about what you are going through. There are no counselors unless you get a court appointed one that has a caseload so heavy that they actually need someone to counsel them. You might get lucky and have one of the gideons come into the facility and give you a bible that has psalms, proverbs, and the new testament in it. you may even get a pastor to come and visit but that is not a weekly thing it is maybe once a month or once every 3 months depending on the facility.I want to give them a structured environment where they can feel free to express themselves with their God given talents. A place where they can learn life skills. A place that is full of Love not just what I am able to show them but what God can give them. So this is my ultimate goal to either work in a place like this or to open up a facility and running it. It has been placed on my heart for the past 7 years and I am ready to work my way towards this. I am going to start school in June for Criminal Justice Administrative Human Services. Long title I know but it will give me the background I need in order to know the justice system and also i will be able to get grants to achieve my goal. God has given me this calling and I am trusting Him fully to see that I will not waiver from my decision to pursue this.
I am moving Forward!!!
I ask that you will lift me up in prayer that I continue to follow the path God has for me and not to lead my life the way i want to but the way He wants me to. I also ask that you pray for my health for I have found that since I took this step forward I have been getting attacked physically.
