My Purpose

I came to the realization the other day that I find myself living my life to achieve the things I want and not for what God wants. Far too often we want something so badly that it manifests itself into a need that we fabricated not a need God wants for us. So I am trusting Him to guide me and to fulfill His purpose for my life.

I have been hiding in what I would like to call my comfort zone/my little box. I have stepped outside of it a little, but i find myself reeling myself back in. I trust God fully but i find it hard sometimes to trust myself with what God wants for my life and what he has called me to do.  I know God won't give me more than I can bare and He hasn't called me to do something He knows I can't do. But I am still scared. I have dreams and goals but I have been putting them on hold because I don't know what the outcome will be. I have been praying that this fear will be lifted. I can say that it is being lifted daily. I find myself becoming more confident in who I am in Christ. That He will not leave my side that He will always be with me regardless of circumstances. I am beginning to finally find who God wants me to be even though I knew all along I am humbling myself before Him and letting Him take control of my life. I have officially put my life on Autopilot and God is at the wheel.
I have gone through so much with me behind the wheel I don't think there is enough time in a single day to write it all. Ive had ups and downs. Trials after trials. Failed relationships. I even turned away from God for a moment, but I came back to Him because I know my life cannot be whole without Him. There was always a void in my life growing up and I never realized what it was until I came to know God. What was missing was the unconditional love. The knowing that everything is already taken care of. That even though I may fall He is going to be there to lift me up again.
I know I am called to work with the youth of our world. I know specifically that I am to work with  juvenile delinquents especially those who are just coming out of juvenile hall. I want to be able to minister to them to let them know that even though the world has turned its back on them God is still there. I was one of those juvenile delinquents. I was in juvy not just once but three times. I became a ward of the state at the age of 14 until the time I was 15 1/2. My mother gave up her parental rights because I was uncontrollable. The first time I got out of juvy, I didn't know who to turn to, to talk about why I was taking off from home or why I was drinking and doing drugs, I just wanted to reach out and tell someone that I needed to be loved that I needed the support of my family. I thought they didn't care I thought they didn't want me around. I didn't tell them until about 7 years ago when I was baptized that I finally found what I was searching for all those years when I was taking off from home. I was searching for a fulfillment in my life for a purpose for me to get up every morning, and I found that in Jesus. I found the unconditional love of a Father. Of someone who will always be there for me especially when I fall and get back up again.  This is what I want to show them, that they are loved regardless of the circumstances. When you are in juvy it is very difficult to talk to anyone about what you are going through. There are no counselors unless you get a court appointed one that has a caseload so heavy that they actually need someone to counsel them. You might get lucky and have one of the gideons come into the facility and give you a bible that has psalms, proverbs, and the new testament in it. you may even get a pastor to come and visit but that is not a weekly thing it is maybe once a month or once every 3 months depending on the facility.I want to give them a structured environment where they can feel free to express themselves with their God given talents. A place where they can learn life skills. A place that is full of Love not just what I am able to show them but what God can give them. So this is my ultimate goal to either work in a place like this or to open up a facility and running it. It has been placed on my heart for the past 7 years and I am ready to work my way towards this. I am going to start school in June for Criminal Justice Administrative Human Services. Long title I know but it will give me the background I need in order to know the justice system and also i will be able to get grants to achieve my goal. God has given me this calling and I am trusting Him fully to see that I will not waiver from my decision to pursue this.
I am moving Forward!!!

I ask that you will lift me up in prayer that I continue to follow the path God has for me and not to lead my life the way i want to but the way He wants me to. I also ask that you pray for my health for I have found that since I took this step forward I have been getting attacked physically.

The Battle Is the Lords

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.”  Ephesians 6:12-13 NKJV

No matter what we go through daily we must remember that the battle is not ours it is the Lords. I know I have been going through many trials these past few weeks and I am finding myself being constantly reminded that the battle is not mine. I often want to fight and take these trials head on because I am hard headed yes but I am also determined to come out on top, BUT I found that going into it in the physical sense isn't necessarily the right option. So how does one prepare to go into battle in the spiritual sense rather than the physical? For starters prayer is always helpful. It helps you clear your mind from the clutter that has bogged you down all day as well as you gain a closer relationship with God. I try to pray daily in the morning and at night. These past 2 months I have found myself being woken up at all hours of the night and a person will come to mind and it is laid on my heart that I should pray for them. Do I know their circumstances at that point? No I do not, But does that  mean God won't  use your faith to pray for someone who is struggling? This is a way that you begin to prepare for battle whether it is you who is going into battle or it is the person who you are praying for. One of the most important things to remember is that  God has given us authority to speak and believe what we can achieve not by sight or might but by His spirit (Authority Karen Clark-Sheard). If we believe the battle is won then it is. It is when we begin to doubt that more battles or trials come our way because the devil sees a weakness and will prey on it. We need to guard our hearts and our minds to know what is right and what is the will of God. Far too often and I am included something or someone comes along that seems is in your best interest but in the end it is a facade. A wolf in sheeps clothing. We need to remember that the devil knows the word. Often times people will come into your life "preaching" the word but are they living their lives according to the word? Yes we are sinners we arent perfect and we will backslide from time to time but does that mean that God doesn't love us? No it doesn't, God loves us so much there are no words to describe it. He gave His only son so that we will be saved. He didn't have to do that. He could have treated us like the townspeople in Sodom and Gomorrah. We often (and yes I am part of the we, ) look back at our past and try to figure out what happened. Don't be like Lots wife and look back at once was and be turned into a pillar of salt. In other words don't look back over your sinful past or go back to it because it will only lead to death. It is in the past for a reason. Another way to prepare for battle is by reading the bible.I dont't mean reading a scripture here and there but doing a thorough study. I am in the process of doing another study on the book Isaiah. There is a scripture that speaks to my heart and I feel this is my passage in the bible it is Isaiah 54:1-8. 1"Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman that of her who has a husband," says the Lord 2 "Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. 3 For you will spread out the the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities. 4"Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. you will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. 5 For your Maker is your husband the Lord Almighty is His name the Holy one of Israel is your Redeemer He is called the God of all the earth.6 The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit a wife who married young only to be rejected," says your God 7 "For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back 8 In a surge of anger I hid my face from you for a moment, BUT with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you says the Lord your Redeemer. This may not speak to your heart the way it does mine, BUT I lived with the shame and the hurt of my youth for almost 10 years before I found this scripture. That was a spiritual battle I was in because I knew God forgave me for what I did I believed it in my heart but my mind was telling me different. Ever get that before? Where you know what you did was wrong you asked for forgiveness and then theres that voice. That says how can he forgive you for that or for this?  That's when it is important to have scripture to back you. If you have forgiven those that came against you and in return asked for forgiveness for the things you have done then God will forgive you Mark 11:26. The final two things that are the most important to going into battle spiritually is Fully trusting and Believing in God that he will see you through.
I know I am tying two topics into one but in all honesty you can not fully go into battle spiritually if you are not spiritually sound. Meaning have you asked for forgiveness are you able to humble yourself completely before God without regret or sorrow? One scripture that really comes to mind when speaking about battles is Deuteronomy 20:1-4 NIV  ¹ When you go to war against your enemies and see horses and chariots and an army greater than yours, do not be afraid of them, because the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt, will be with you. ² When you are about to go into battle, the priest shall come forward and address the army. ³ He shall say: “Hear, Israel: Today you are going into battle against your enemies. Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not panic or be terrified by them. ⁴ For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.”  Another Scripture that comes to mind is Isaiah 54:17 No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD.There have been alot of battles in the physical sense that are in the bible. Almost all of the battles occurred in the valley. Is this a coincidence to our everyday lives no its not. It is in the valleys that we are tested that we have many trials and battles come at us. In the old testament you will read about battles and when the battles were fought the leaders of the two sides would go down off of the mountain top into the valley to meet and discuss whether or not they wanted to battle. Then the two leaders would go back up out of the valley to relay the message to their armies.. Then they would go back down into the valley to fight.. One thing you have to remember is that the winning army rose up out of the valley and went back up to the mountain top because there was nothing but death left in the valley. When we are victorious with our battles there is no longer a need to go back down into the valley.. God brought us out victoriously for a reason. He is with us every second hour minute nano second of the day, we just have to say Lord here I am I am going through it and I need you now. Does He already know we need Him of course He does but he doesn't get tired of His children asking Him for help. When you are on an uphill climb and you feel you can't make it to the top know that God is there to carry you if you fall. He is there with you every step of the way every trial that comes our way He is with us. I pray that we as Christians will begin to see our worth that We will continue to seek God daily. We may fall and "backslide" but Romans 3:23 states For ALL have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God. No one is perfect  not you, your pastor, your wife, husband, children, boss etc..NO One is perfect except For God. I leave you with this song...

Forgiveness

Matthew 6:5-15
5 “And when you pray, you shall not be like the hypocrites. For they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the corners of the streets, that they may be seen by men. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward. 6 But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly.[b] 7 And when you pray, do not use vain repetitions as the heathen do. For they think that they will be heard for their many words.
8 “Therefore do not be like them. For your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him. 9 In this manner, therefore, pray:

Our Father in heaven,
Hallowed be Your name.
10 Your kingdom come.
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us this day our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
As we forgive our debtors.
13 And do not lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.
For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.[c]

14 “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses

Forgiveness is a very touchy subject with many people. Some hold onto the pain and use it as a constant reminder of why they are in a situation. Some hold onto it to make a point. What that point is I don't know. All I know is that in order for God to forgive us for our wrongs we must first begin to forgive those who came against us. Weather it be intentional or accidental either way they did something to us that caused us pain and grief, made us uncomfortable and basically changed the way we view ourselves.
Forgiveness comes from within it is not something you should take lightly. We have been doing a study in church about the condition of our hearts. Is there something that has been laid on your heart recently and you have yet to act on it? Is there someone deep inside that caused you pain and grief and you thought how could they do this to me? you need to begin searching deep within yourself and find the strength to forgive those that have come against you. Once you do this the flood gates will begin to open.
I have written in an earlier post titled holding on. What are you holding onto? If you are still holding onto the pain and hurt of your past, then how can God begin to give you the blessings he has stored up for you? How can you hold onto God if you are holding onto your Past. Let it go begin to forgive those who have hurt you. Those who have come against you. God is waiting to hear you say I forgive.... so He can in turn say My Child You are Forgiven. In Isaiah 54:7-8 it says 7 “ For a mere moment I have forsaken you,But with great mercies I will gather you. 8 With a little wrath I hid My face from you for a moment; But with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you,”Says the LORD, your Redeemer.
God has hidden his face from you because its as if He is thinking if they can not forgive this person for what they have done then how can I forgive them for the things they have done? I am ready to shine my light down on them ready to release them from the hurt and pain but first they must forgive so that I may forgive them.
Am I saying that it is easy to forgive, No Im not because it is difficult, but if you remember that God brought you from where you were to where you are now it gets a little easier.
I have had a hard life especially growing up. I had a father who was an alcoholic, and so called friends who manipulated me and used me. I was raped twice when I was 14 and I was using drugs. It took me a long time to forgive the people that came against especially my father. When I was eight years old he told me I was not his daughter. So yes I was very hurt. He walked out on us when I was 13 years old and when I was 21 he passed away from alcohol poisoning. Did I forgive him? Yes I did but it took everything I had in order to forgive the man who was my earthly father. from all of the things he spoke into my life at a young age to walking out on us. It was one of the hardest things to do but as I look back I begin to thank God for giving me the strength to do so. If I didn't forgive my dad for what he did or the other people then I don't believe I would have the relationship I have with God. I turn to Him for everything. I still seek his face daily and I am still forgiving those who have come against me.
We need to start making prayer and forgiveness an every day occurrence. We need to cry out to God daily have Him guide our footsteps and to lead us to those who are hurting. God will send you people daily to pray for to lift up or just to give a hug to. Remember that those you run into have been put there for a reason. whether it be for a minute a day a season or a life time. They are put into our lives for us to minister to and for them to minister to us. But it all starts with forgiveness and trusting in the word of God because it is true. Everything that He has promised you will come to fruition but you must take the first step and forgive in order to be forgiven.

Bloom

a poem I wrote

I look at a flower and see myself
delicate and fragile
but oh so beautiful
who opens up to feel the rays from the sun
but who closes up at the slightest chill
The petals representing my life
past love, love to gain and time to heal the pain
as I think about my life
I have fears and doubt
will i be a mother or a wife
I want to feel the warm embrace
that's never ending or fading
to lose myself where i don't know where i end
and he begins
as if our souls become one
with each breath our lives become intertwined
like a vine reaching towards the sky
a constant water supply
quenching the thirst of the flower
and ones true-self begins to show, bloom and grow
Love and life flowing through the stem and leaves
pouring out through the petals
such vibrant colors reds blues and violets
nurtured for growth and love
reaching for the skies above
a life destined to be great
ultimately held in the hands of fate

Just Maybe

Something I came across and thought I would share

ust Maybe

Just maybe... we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting
the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know
how to be grateful for that gift.


Just maybe... when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but,
often times, we look so long at the closed door that we do not even see the
new one which has been opened for us.


Just maybe... it is true that we do not know what we have until we lose
it, but it is also true that we do not know what we have been missing until
it arrives.


Just maybe.. the happiest of people do not necessarily have the best
of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along
their way.


Just maybe... the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten
past; after all, you cannot go on successfully in life until you let go of
your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.


Just maybe... you should dream what you want to dream; go where you
want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one
chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.


Just maybe... there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a
parent, a spouse, a friend, a child -- so much that you just want to pick them
from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you
appreciate them more.


Just maybe... the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you have ever had.


Just maybe... you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes.

If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other
person, too.


Just maybe... you should do something nice for someone every single
day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.
Just maybe... giving someone all your love is never an assurance that
they will love you back.

Do not expect love in return; just wait for it to
grow in their heart; but, if it does not, be content that it grew in yours.


Just maybe.. happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who
hurt, all those who have searched, and all those wh o have tried, for only they
can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their
lives.


Just maybe... you should not go for looks; they can deceive; do not go
for wealth; even that fades away.

Go for someone who makes you smile,
because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.


Just maybe... you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.


just maybe... you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling
but when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around
you is crying.

After The Storm

I held onto you put my life on hold
four years of dreaming and hoping
then finally the day came
you showed me a ring
and said will you marry me
i was excited i said yes
this is what i have been waiting for
that was one of the best days of my life
but it might as well been a dream
it came in on a storm and disappeared into the fog
thunder crashed lightning struck
arguing and fighting
the rain fell and we were done
the tears welled in my eyes
like a stream swelling from the downpour
falling down my cheeks
as if a dam had broken
fighting every night to sleep to find comfort
there was none
i was ready to say i am done
to throw in the towel this storm was too much
but like the victims of Katrina
I will rise again

The storm has passed and the skies are clear
time to survey the damage
the debris is overwhelming
dreams that became shattered
fear that consumed me
as if a tornado enveloped me
and set me down
in a life that is in total disarray
i began to collect the pieces
like a child collecting sea shells on the shore
examining each treasure and dusting it off
asking do i keep it or let it go
love...Keep
Memories.. Keep
Happiness...Keep
Pain... I can hold onto this for a while
Hurt... put it in my pocket
Confidence... its shattered but i collect the pieces
one by one i collect my emotions and my life
I rise to my feet and walk away

Its been a year since the storm
looking back on where i once was
the debris is gone
I am now soaring high above the seas
reaching deep within and grasping
the pain and hurt
casting them from my hand into the sea
setting my self free
no longer held captive
by the storm

Don't Give Up

Do you ever feel like some days you just want to give up? That there is absolutely nothing going right for you and you just want to throw your hands in the air and say I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE I GIVE UP!! Well earlier today I felt like that. I felt as if nothing I did was good enough or nothing I was going to do would make a difference. Can I tell you that changed within a matter seconds when I said "God I can't do this on my own." Just 8 words were spoken and my whole day began to turn around. It is not his plan for us to feel like we want to just throw in the towel and say I am done. If it was in His plan do you think we would be here today? Did Jesus say Dad I can't do this I am going to walk away. No He did not. He did not give up on us so what gives us the right to give up on Him?
There are many people in this world going through so much pain and turmoil and they do this day in and day out. I often ask myself how can they do it? How can they deal with the fact that their child is in the hospital undergoing chemo therapy or there father is on his death bed. The only way I know how is because they know Him. They have a personal relationship with Him and they know that He is bigger than any illness or threat that comes there way.
I have been praying a lot these past few days for friends of mine who have just been going through it. It, being strained relationships, family members in the hospital, kids acting up, you name it I have probably prayed for it. Why? You may ask yourself this. Why must we go through such turmoil and hurt and anger and the list goes on and on. I can tell you this it is to bring HIM Glory. Because if we never went through it how then can we begin to pray for those who are just starting to go through it?
I can tell you over the past year I have dealt with my Grandfather passing away, my cousin passing away, my aunt passed away just last month. The list goes on and on. So yes some days I feel like saying you know what I am not getting out of this bed because I don't want to deal with "it" today.
Then I am reminded about Jesus. What if He said you know what I don't want to deal with "it" I don't want to heal this person or tell this person about everlasting love. Or the bigger one is I don't feel like going and hanging on a cross and dying for you I just don't feel like doing "it". If He said that then where would we be today? Would we even have a relationship with God? Would we even acknowledge the fact that God is real? Just something to ponder. So if you don't "feel like going through it" remember that Jesus went through "it" for you.

Mustn't Be late

Mustn't Be Late
Mustn't be late
I've got a date
with the one above
sent down from heaven like a dove
peace filled and caring
how could anyone be so daring
to spread their arms on a cross
and not think about the loss
showed love when there was none
and whose last breath
uttered the words it is done
they say you can't
he says you can
Hold your head up and look to the sky
and try not to cry
as he showers you with his love
from above
Joy is here begin to shout
no need to worry about
being late
God is on time
and
is never late

You Raise Me Up

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

I always loved this song, I love the meaning behind the words.

God is raising me up so I can stand on mountains He is raising me up to be more than I can be. I never thought I would be where I am today. It is because of Him that I am. He raised me up out of many valleys so I could stand on top of a mountain. God is an awesome God. Things are being revealed to me daily and all I can think is wow. I never thought that He would be able to use me because i was so broken and bruised.

I have had many trials in my life and I realize that what I have gone through has made me the person I am today.. I would not be here if I didn't go through what I went through. There have been many times when I was in a valley fighting a battle that I thought I would lose, but God raised me up. If you take a moment and think back over the years of your life you will soon see it is like a roller coaster. You have your high points and low points. The reason for the low points is not only to strengthen you but it is also to build your faith.

Many battles have been fought over the years and many have been won and few have been lost. It is the ones that are lost that make us stronger. Even though we lost we gained the faith and wisdom to know how to come out victorious if the same situation arises.

The song states I am strong when I am on your shoulders, He is holding each one of us up, He is walking beside us. Just like the poem Footprints in the sand, There are times in our lives when God had to carry us through a situation. There have been times when there seems like there is not a way out but, God is there to guide you safely.

I am more determined now than ever to be who God has intended me to be.. I have been sitting back because I am a little afraid to get outside of my comfort box as I like to call it. I don't know what the future holds and I don't know where I am going but I am going. God has called me to be something great and I am going to be that.

You may not know what direction God wants you to go at this point, but if you pray and ask for direction and guidance He will give it to you. We have prayer meetings on Monday nights at the church and for the month of January we have been having powerful and I mean powerful prayer meetings. I have asked for guidance and I have asked for strength and I have gotten both.

A few weeks ago my mother mentioned to me about working with juvenile delinquents because of the experiences I went through growing up. I said ok and brushed it off. Well tonight I had coffee with my friend Tammi from church and she said the exact same thing. I am currently looking into schools with a criminal justice program and I am putting up my sail and sailing. I have direction, I am being guided and I am standing on the shoulders of God who is raising me up to be more than I can be.

Believing and Having Faith

Have you ever believed in something whole heartedly but did not have the faith that it was going to happen? If you believe in something or someone and don't have the faith what good is it? You can say you believe in God, but if you don't have faith in God your belief goes out the window. Faith and belief go hand in hand. If you believe that the chair won't move when you sit down, then it takes faith to sit in the chair.

The definition of faith is the belief and trust in God, knowing that God is real even though you can't see him.

The definition of believe is to accept as true to trust and to have faith. Just by the definitions alone you can not believe if you first do not have faith.

Luke 17:5-6 And the apostles said unto the Lord, Increase our faith. And the Lord said, If ye had faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye might say unto this sycamine tree, Be thou plucked up by the root, and be thou planted in the sea; and it should obey you.

There are countless numbers of miracles in the Bible none of which could have happened without first having faith and second believing that it was going to happen. Faith is the confident assurance that something will happen, but in order for it to happen you must believe.

Take a look at the story about the paralytic who was healed.
Luke 5:17-26 17And it came to pass on a certain day, as he was teaching, that there were Pharisees and doctors of the law sitting by, which were come out of every town of Galilee, and Judaea, and Jerusalem: and the power of the Lord was present to heal them. 18And, behold, men brought in a bed a man which was taken with a palsy: and they sought means to bring him in, and to lay him before him. 19And when they could not find by what way they might bring him in because of the multitude, they went upon the housetop, and let him down through the tiling with his couch into the midst before Jesus. 20And when he saw their faith, he said unto him, Man, thy sins are forgiven thee. 21And the scribes and the Pharisees began to reason, saying, Who is this which speaketh blasphemies? Who can forgive sins, but God alone? 22But when Jesus perceived their thoughts, he answering said unto them, What reason ye in your hearts? 23Whether is easier, to say, Thy sins be forgiven thee; or to say, Rise up and walk? 24But that ye may know that the Son of man hath power upon earth to forgive sins, (he said unto the sick of the palsy,) I say unto thee, Arise, and take up thy couch, and go into thine house. 25And immediately he rose up before them, and took up that whereon he lay, and departed to his own house, glorifying God. 26And they were all amazed, and they glorified God, and were filled with fear, saying, We have seen strange things to day.

Notice in the 20th verse it states and when He saw their faith, he said unto him, Man, thy sins are forgiven thee.. When Jesus saw the mens faith who persevered to get their friend in front of Jesus to be healed he healed the man.. It was the faith of those who would do anything for a friend. Some of the things that you have overcome may have been because of someone else's faith. Yes you may have faith but it is those who are persistent with their belief and who have the faith that see things get done. Everyone has faith but not everyone chooses to use it. Is your faith lying dormant like a welcome mat being trampled on or is it soaring like an eagle soars above the land.

There are examples of those in the bible who lack faith and who have great faith. I have shown you an example of men with great faith, now I would like to show you another. This one is about a woman who lacked belief and faith.

Genesis 16:1-2
Now Sarai, Abram's wife, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian maidservant named Hagar; 2 so she said to Abram, "The LORD has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my maidservant; perhaps I can build a family through her." .
Sarai lacked the belief and faith in knowing that God was going to bless her with a child. She got so disappointed after many years of trying to conceive a child that she lost her focus and her faith. She willingly broke her covenant with her husband due to lack of faith. Many years later at the age of ninety Sarai now called Sarah bore a son named Isaac. God did fulfill his promise to her. .

We can look at this and apply it to our lives.. Have we broken the covenant with God because what He has promised has not come to life yet? Have we lost faith because we can not fathom all that is promised will come to pass? God's way of doing things is definitely different from the way we do things. We want things to happen right away, without looking at what we are going through or what we still need to go through in order for it to happen. If we keep our faith up and we believe without a shadow of a doubt that God will move mountains for us then He will.

We all need to have our faith restored to us. We must ask God to restore our faith when we feel things are too impossible to happen. We must continue to believe that God is working in us and around us. We also must regain our faith and relationship with God through prayer and praise.
So if you are like me and sometimes you ask how is God going to do that. Just have faith and believe that it will happen and it will.

Through The Storm

For those who are in a Storm
Believe with everything that is in you.. Do not give up for the promises that God has made to you will come to pass. Do not stop praising him for through our praise we begin to see changes in our lives... Continue to have faith continue to walk forward in your ministry or whatever God has called you to do.. Do not rely on the world but rely on God and He will see you through,, The word believe is very powerful just like the word faith.. You can not believe that something will happen unless you have the faith that it will.. And you can not have faith unless you first believe... So I say to you .. praise Him no matter what you are going through and you will get through it.. Though the road may seem bumpy and cloudy, the clearing is ahead you just have to have faith that you will see the clearing and run towards it... Call on God when you are in need and He will hear you.. Do not be ashamed to say God I need help because He knows... Jesus came to this earth and endured the same trials that we go thorugh day in and day out.. The battle is already won and the Victory is ours...

Praise Him, Pray to Him, Bless Him, Extol Him... Whatever you do Praise God to the fullest. Use your dance, song, voice, writings, teachings, Whatever God has given you use it to Bless His Kingdom and Praise Him in the Process

Sorry

This is a poem I wrote..

Sorry
For the things that i have done

left undone unstrung

by the one

who said that they loved

how many years must i wait

until i can get it straight

do i stutter or flutter?

We can make it better

if you forget about the letters

the letters that i wear on my chest

the letters spell out

SINNER

I am a beginner

who fell but got up

who didn't know when to shut up

what did you put up with

I am a pastor at heart

that should set me apart

I am hung up on one part

He set me apart

The Uprooted tree

Matthew 13:1-13 1The same day went Jesus out of the house, and sat by the sea side. 2And great multitudes were gathered together unto him, so that he went into a ship, and sat; and the whole multitude stood on the shore. 3And he spake many things unto them in parables, saying, Behold, a sower went forth to sow; 4And when he sowed, some seeds fell by the way side, and the fowls came and devoured them up: 5Some fell upon stony places, where they had not much earth: and forthwith they sprung up, because they had no deepness of earth: 6And when the sun was up, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away. 7And some fell among thorns; and the thorns sprung up, and choked them: 8But other fell into good ground, and brought forth fruit, some an hundredfold, some sixtyfold, some thirtyfold.


While on a ladies retreat I took a walk around a pond that was in front of the cabin we stayed at. As I was walking around the pond I began to notice several things around me. The first thing I noticed were geese in the middle of the pond, then the second was a hole in the pond where the water that was melting was running off into this hole. The final thing I noticed was amazing yet puzzling at the same time. In front of me was this massive pine tree that was uprooted. As I began to look around I noticed that none of the other trees were uprooted, they were firmly planted in the ground. Now to look at the roots of this tree you could see the soil still sticking to the roots. The soil looked rich to the naked eye, so I began to ask out loud why had this tree fallen, out of all the other trees why this one?

I stood still and waited for an answer. (just a side note sometimes we ask for an answer but are too impatient to wait for it) I stood there looking at the roots of the tree and began to notice that they were not broken, just simply pulled out of the ground. Now I am not an expert at this type of thing but what I believe happened was a strong gust of wind came by and shook this tree to its foundation, and because the roots weren't firmly planted they became loosed causing the tree to fall to the ground. A tree will not fall if its roots are firmly planted. A tree will not fall if the soil in which it is planted is giving it the proper nutrients it needs to survive.


Matthew 7:25-27 25The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

Psalm 19:4 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

This is where I started to think how as Christians we can be like this tree. If we are not careful with what we are planted in we to can become uprooted. We need to have our roots firmly planted in the word of God.. Upon His foundation..He is our Rock. Without having a proper foundation any trial or temptation that comes our way will uproot us. When we are tempted we are to use the word of God to ward off the temptation, BUT if we are not firmly planted in the word of God how are we to tell the devil he is a liar? How are we supposed to tell the mountain that is in our way to move if we don't know the proper scripture to back us up when we tell it to move? My bible states that His word will not return void.

Isaiah 55:11 So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

I mentioned in the beginning about seeing 2 geese on the water. When I looked out onto the pond I saw two geese, one was looking for food in the water and the other was standing guard. So as I began to observe them for a few moments I began to think how we are the goose that is constantly looking for food, looking to be fed. Then we have the goose who is standing guard while the other one is being fed. The goose that is standing guard is very alert to its surroundings, looking left and right turning around every so often, making sure no enemies are in the area. If you have ever observed geese you will notice that they are “family” oriented. You will never find one by itself, they fly in flocks and they protect there young as well as their mate. Look at the goose that is looking to be fed with its head submerged in the water feeding on the plant life as the Christian who is constantly in the word of God feeding on every word. . Then look at the goose that is standing guard ready to squawk if an enemy approaches as God watching over us warning us when trouble is on the way. The goose is putting his life in danger to save the goose who is feeding, Just as Jesus put. His life on the cross to save us.

Now to go to the hole in the pond.. To some who look at this it is just a hole but to me it said something more. Picture God standing on an ice covered pond and living water was flowing from him and into this hole in the ice. Then across the pond from the hole is a Christian who is feeding on the word of God. The hole that the water is pouring into is not getting full nor is it overflowing. As long as Christians feed on the word of God there will be people to feed the excess of what we received to.

Sharing is Caring.. a good old statement that we tell kids day in and day out. But how are we applying that statement to our walk? If we receive a message at church are we running and telling our friends about it or are we keeping it to ourselves? On a personal note I know I have received a message at church and could not wait to tell someone, so I would go home and tell my mother (who does not go to church) about what happened in church. As politely as she can she looks at me and smiles and says thats nice. Does that make me want to stop running home and tell her what happened no, it makes me want to do it more. See we fail to realize that what goes on in the spiritual is far more than what goes on in the natural. The word that you spoke in someones life may not reach them at that moment but it is in their subconscious and I guarantee you when they see or hear something that will remind them of what you said the word that you spoke to them will come back. Do not be greedy and eat all you can and not bring leftovers home for your friends and family. God does not want us to be greedy he wants us to share the Good News. He wants us to tell everyone we come in contact with about what He has done and what He has yet to do. I challenge you that when you receive a message at church or bible study to go tell someone. Do not be afraid of what they will say but be confident in knowing that His word will not return void. Do not be like the tree and become uprooted because you are not firmly planted but become like the goose who is feeding and feed on the word of God.

Practice what you Preach

Practice what you preach
Author Unknown

You can know all the scriptures,
Have all the bibles you can reach,
But when push comes to shove
Do you practice what you preach?

Anyone can go to church
And collapse on the floor,
But when Judgment Day comes
Will you be at Heaven's door?

You can have the biggest of fits
And say the Holy ghost passed through,
But is that really reflected
In the things you do?

You can yell far and wide
Proclaiming your love for Christ,
But what have you given him
When for you He gave his life?

You can lecture others
About the wrong things they do,
But before you look at others
You need to look at you.

You can damn all the sinners
Tell them they're headed south,
But what have you done lately
Besides run your mouth?

You can call yourself a Christian
Spend all your days at church,
But while you are praising His name,
Have you been doing the Lord's work?

You can boast of good deeds
To show us the spirit is within
But why show it to us?
You should show it to Him!

You can memorize the bible
Know it from front to back,
But you don't use it to regulate others
Regulate how you act!

Take a good look at yourself
Not at what others do,
Because when He comes to get his children ...
Will He be coming for you too

The Sailboat and Butterfly

There are many accounts in the bible of transformation or change. The one story in the bible that stands out the most to me about change or a transformation, is the story of Saul.

Saul hated Christians, he made it his goal to capture, then bring the Christians to public trial and execution. Saul was present when the first Christan martyr was executed (Stephen). (Acts 7:51-8:1)

After Stephen's execution Saul went door to door seeking out the people who believed that Jesus is the Messiah (Acts 8:3). After putting these people in prison, Saul learned about their Christian friends in Damascus by obtaining letters that were sent out. (Acts 22: 4-5) He set out for Damascus, But on the way something happened to Saul.

Here is his account of what occurred according to Acts 22:6-15. 6And it came to pass, that, as I made my journey, and was come nigh unto Damascus about noon, suddenly there shone from heaven a great light round about me. 7And I fell unto the ground, and heard a voice saying unto me, Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me? 8And I answered, Who art thou, Lord? And he said unto me, I am Jesus of Nazareth, whom thou persecutest. 9And they that were with me saw indeed the light, and were afraid; but they heard not the voice of him that spake to me. 10And I said, What shall I do, LORD? And the Lord said unto me, Arise, and go into Damascus; and there it shall be told thee of all things which are appointed for thee to do. 11And when I could not see for the glory of that light, being led by the hand of them that were with me, I came into Damascus.12And one Ananias, a devout man according to the law, having a good report of all the Jews which dwelt there, 13Came unto me, and stood, and said unto me, Brother Saul, receive thy sight. And the same hour I looked up upon him. 14And he said, The God of our fathers hath chosen thee, that thou shouldest know his will, and see that Just One, and shouldest hear the voice of his mouth. 15For thou shalt be his witness unto all men of what thou hast seen and heard. (NKJV)

Saul was blinded for three days. For three days he sat in the dark and did not eat or drink, until Ananias came and laid hands upon him. He now was proclaiming Jesus as the Messiah whereas before he was killing those who were proclaiming the same thing. It says that he was blinded for 3 days, I don't believe it took the three days for him to be transformed. I believe the transformation began the moment the light shone down from heaven upon him.

Paul writes about being transformed in Romans 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God (NKJV). He does not state “transform yourself” but “be ye transformed.” We can not make transformation happen ourselves; it is something God does to us. What then is our role in the transformation process? Our role is to train for the transformation. 1Corinthians 9:25 states Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever (NIV). One of the main reasons why we tend to give up on the “transformation” process is because we exhaust ourselves trying to be transformed, when the bible states that we must be trained in order to be transformed.

There is a major difference between training to do something and just going and doing it. How many of us can go out on a field and play a game of soccer? I know I could because I was on a soccer team, I had the proper training in order to be a soccer player. If you didn't have the proper training before going out onto that field you would get very confused on which direction you were to go. On which goal you were to be aiming for when kicking the ball. Just like in our everyday lives, we are being trained daily on which route to take, which people to hang out with, and which people to encourage.

It is like learning a different language, at first you can speak a little, but with the proper training you can become fluent in the language. Training means the education, instruction, or discipline of a person or thing that is being trained. When God is training us in essence he is teaching us about discipline. Discipline means training to act in accordance with rules. God has given us a set of rules to live by the rules being the commandments. Through the training he is equipping us with the proper tools that we need to succeed.

I have written about God training us, but there is also a training we ourselves must do. We must first pick up the training manual. The Bible. We must then start to read and seek out the word of God to strengthen us in order to overcome some of the obstacles that will be put in our way. God's way of training is to give us tests/ trials. James 1:2-4 states 2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. It is through the trails that we become stronger, when we become stronger we will be lead farther into our transformation process.

Spiritual transformation is a long-term process. It involves both God and us. Think of it as if you are trying to cross a lake. Some people try day after day to be spiritually mature and disciplined. They are like someone on a row boat trying to get across the lake with one oar. It is exhausting and sometimes unsuccessful. Others have given up trying and throw themselves entirely on "relying on God's grace." They're like drifters on a raft. They do nothing but hang on and hope God gets them there. They think the tide will take them where they need to go, what they don't understand is that the tide comes in and it goes out, eventually you will end up back where you started from.

Neither trying nor drifting are very effective in bringing about spiritual transformation. A better image would be the sailboat, in which if it moves at all, it's because of the wind. We can't control the wind, but a good sailor distinguishes where the wind is blowing and adjusts the sails accordingly.

Working with the Holy Spirit is like the wind in John 3:8, "The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit." what it means is we have a part in discerning the winds, in knowing the direction we need to go, and in training our sails to catch the breezes that God sends us.

2 Corinthians 5:17 states Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.

I often look at this scripture and envision a butterfly. You may ask why a butterfly, when a butterfly comes out of its cocoon it is breaking free from the past, from what it was. We as Christians need to act like a butterfly and break free from our cocoons and let the past go. We can not expect to fly like a butterfly if we are still holding onto the cocoon. When the caterpillar goes through the metamorphosis its way of thinking is changed. When a butterfly emerges from its cocoon it doesn't want to crawl on the ground, or eat leaves. It has a new direction it has a new purpose. Its amazing that a butterfly does not need to learn how to fly, it just does it. Why can't we be like that? Why can't we just say ok God use me and lets go.. The reason I think is because our mentality hasn't fully changed. We say we are Christians, we say we go to church, but are our every day lives reflecting what God wants it to reflect? Are you trying to be what you once were, even though the transformation has already begun?

The connection that I would like to make between the butterfly and the sailboat is that they both rely on the wind for most of their travel. When you look at a butterfly you notice that it will flap its wings and then sail with the wind. The butterfly learns to rely on the wind because it can take it places faster than what it could on its own. The same goes with the sail boat, with the sails down it is just drifting on the current of the water. But when the sails are up it is gliding across the water. God is our "wind" once we start relying on him he will bring us places we thought we could never go, we just need to trust him more and determine which direction he is pointing us.

I know I am to be a pastor/youth pastor, but without the proper training I will never become a pastor or a youth pastor. God did not give me the gifts that I have if he was not going to train me on how to use them. He did not give you the gifts you have if He wasn't going to train you on how to use them. God will not begin the transformation process if we ourselves are not willing to change. I urge you to be like the butterfly and spread your wings. Don't look at where you were, look to where God is leading you.

I pray that whoever reads this post will be encouraged to seek God and be willing to accept the call on your life. I also pray that you will become like the sailor and determine which way the wind is blowing so you can catch sail, and move in the direction you need to go.

"HOLDING" ON

This is a different kind of writing for me. What I am writing are words that God has shown me and is telling me to use to reach myself as well as others. As I am writing God is talking to me and telling me to LET GO, Why Are you Holding on? I am holding you so you don't have to hold onto it anymore. God is talking to me about the pain and shame I hold onto. I have held onto the pain and the shame of my youth for too long and I thought I didn't know how to let it go... BUT God... Is taking my hand and leading me on. So I reach to him and say I will Let Go and Hold On to you.


The definition of Holding has many different meanings depending on the context in which it is used. Some examples are:

1. To physically hold something: to have or keep in the hand; keep fast; grasp: She held the purse in her right hand

2. To hold without touching: to set aside; reserve or retain: to hold merchandise until called for.

3. Holding yourself back: To keep back from action; hinder; restrain: Fear held him from acting.

4. Who is Holding you back? a controlling force or dominating influence: to have a hold on a person.

5. Holding onto your faith: to have or keep in the mind; think or believe: We hold this belief.


With the first example of Holding it is showing an example of holding onto something in a physical sense. There are many different things that we can hold physically. We can hold the word of God in our hand. We can hold a piece of paper or a family member who is hurt. What is it that you are holding onto? With the second example it is showing the way we hold on with out having to touch it physically. This can be the pain of your youth or the what ifs. This can be holding onto a dream or nightmare. What is it that you are holding onto? The third example is showing us how we hold ourselves back. Is it fear that is holding you back, is it knowing that if you let go more trials will come? What is is that you are holding onto? The fourth example is showing us that there are people in our lives who are holding us back. This can be a family member, a friend, an enemy, someone you have not forgiven. Whoever it may be ask yourself why am I holding on? So again God asks me What is it that you are holding onto? The fifth and final example shows us how we hold onto things we believe. Are you holding onto the word of God? Are you holding onto your faith? What is it that you are holding onto? Going back to the 2nd example about putting something on reserve... God already has your robe waiting for you it is your choice whether or not you want to pick it up. God already has your crown waiting for you again you have a choice to make.


What are you willing to let go of in order to gain a closer relationship with God? What have you been holding onto that God is telling you to let go of? After you have thought about this for a while ask yourself why am I still holding onto it? Is it worth the pain, is it worth sacrificing what God has in store for you because you want to hold onto it? God is trying to tell us that we need to come to him empty so HE can fill us up. We can not go to him half empty and expect the miracle that is waiting for us to come. We can not go to him full because there will be no room for him to work. God is beginning a new work in us so we have to lay aside our garments and accept what He has. He died for us so we wouldn't have to "hold" onto the pain and the shame of our past. He endured physical pain for us. All He is asking us to do is let go of what we are holding onto.

1Corinthians 15:2-4 KjV
2By which also ye are saved, if ye keep in memory what I preached unto you, unless ye have believed in vain. 3For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures; 4And that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures:

1 Corinthians 15:2-4 NKJV
2 by which also you are saved, if you hold fast that word which I preached to you—unless you believed in vain.3 For I delivered to you first of all that which I also received: that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures; 4 that He was buried, and that He rose again the third day according to the Scriptures,

The word keep and hold have the same meaning in this scripture. They both mean to retain or to save. He tells us plainly to hold fast to his teachings. To hold fast to our faith, and the Love we have for Him. There is no room in our hearts for pain and for the what ifs. The only room we have in our hearts should be a room where the Holy Spirit can dwell and minister to us. If we are holding onto the past then there is no room for the spirit to move. It is as if we are cutting Jesus off by saying... No you can't have that because I want to keep it. How many times does God say no you can't have this it is mine? Is it fair to keep things that belong to him? That was one of the main reasons why He died on the cross. He died for our sins.

My pastor has been teaching us about how to be more kingdom minded. What I have gathered so far from his teachings are that we have to be Spirit filled and Spirit led. We can not have one foot in the church and another in the world. God doesn't work that way. One of the scriptures that has been mentioned a lot during this study is Revelations 3:15-16 which states:

15I know thy works, that thou art neither cold nor hot: I would thou wert cold or hot. 16So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth.

By still holding onto things that are not of God we are considered Luke warm Christians. We go to church on Sunday, get a little nudge by the Holy Spirit and are ok until Monday. When Monday comes around we start to pick up the things that we have left at the alter the previous day. Why is that. Why do we put ourselves through the same pain over and over again? God already provided the sacrifice for our sins and pain.

God is asking me now as I write are you cold or are you hot? I respond with Lord I am Hot but I want to be hotter. I want to be filled more than what I am. I want you to guide my footsteps. I don't want to Hold onto my past anymore, I don't want to hold onto anyone or anything that will hinder me from becoming what you already foresee me as becoming. Lord I am sorry for what I have done and how I have hindered you from the work that you have begun in me.

So I ask you what is it that you are holding onto, that God has been telling you to let go of? All you have to do is say Lord I give you (fill in the blank) I don't want it anymore. I don't want anything to separate me from You. Lord my cup is empty please fill it so it runs over. Fill it so I can minister to those around me. Fill it so I can walk into a room a change the atmosphere just by my presence.

He is waiting for you to speak to him. He is waiting for you to Let go of what you have been holding onto. So Let Go and Let God.

My Story

I ask myself where do I start. The only answer that comes is start from the beginning. So here we go on the journey I call my story.

I was born into a family that I thought was perfect. That was coming from an 8 year olds mind. My family was not perfect. My father was an alcoholic and my mother was trying to cover up his faults. At an early age I found refuge in going to church because I thought I could bury the hurt and pain. That soon changed when we moved away from a place I called home for 5 years to a place that would be the beginning of who I was, not who I am today.


I had moved from Bridgewater Ct, which is a small country town with a population of 1,500 to a city called Shelton with a population of 38,000. I was in a what some may call a culture shock because for 5 years I was used to cow pastures and people who looked out for one another.I moved to an area where the most common youth discussions were about what drugs they have done and who they did

To back track a little bit my mother and father had separated for a while because of his drinking. My father ended up in rehab two or three times within a 5 year span. That is when my mother got fed up and told him in order for him to live with us he would have to stop drinking. He decided to move out for a few months to "figure" things out. That is when we moved to Shelton. The rent was cheaper and the jobs were closer to home (in case my father should show up). This is when things went from bad to worse.

My mother became depressed due to the fact that she was working 2 jobs to support 3 kids on her own. My brother didn't understand why dad left. As for me I thought it was my fault, because when I was 8 yrs. old my father told me I was not his daughter, once when he was sober and once when he was drunk. Now that is something that should crush you, but I tell you it only made me hate my father. The man I was taught to honor just told me I was nothing to him. I was mad. I held onto that anger for a long time.

When we first moved I stayed to myself and then I made friends with someone I shouldn't have. I became friends with my downstairs neighbor who was ten years older than I was. That was when I started drinking, I was thirteen years old. That would have to be the start of my downfall. I started to hang out downstairs and drink and party as if I was 20-25 years of age not a lonely 13 year old girl whose father walked out on her family. I did not know how to deal with the hurt so I looked to drugs and alcohol. I remember vividly one day in particular I was hanging out downstairs because my mother let my father move back in with us. She thought he wasn't drinking anymore, but he was. I was hanging out and drinking and the last thing I remember before waking up was downing a pint of Southern comfort. I woke up to my mother dragging me upstairs by the back of my shirt. I was ordered to wash dishes and not move from the spot I was in until she got home. It was 6 am and she was not due back from work until 1.

My mother left me home with my father in charge of watching over me. What my mother didn't know is that my father had a handle of vodka upstairs in the attic and he would disappear for 5 minutes at a time. So when he was finally drunk enough to where he passed out at the kitchen table I was out the back door. That was the first of many times I would take off from home.

I went from taking off for a couple of hours to the most I think was 2-3 weeks at a time. I was living at friends houses and on the streets. I remember sleeping on the steps of a church because I had no where to go. I was doing things that I can not even mention. I was finding any way possible to escape from the hurt and the pain. I would steal money from my sister to buy pot or to get my "so-called" friends to buy me alcohol. I didn't use the money for food because I was addicted at that time to masking my feelings by getting high and drunk.

This pattern continued on for the next year to year and a half. It was when I was 14 years old that I was arrested for possession of alcohol to a minor. I ended up going to Juvenile hall. From Juvenile hall I went to Hartford ADP (alternative to detention program). You would think after going to all these programs that I got the message that what I was doing was wrong. Well I didn't. When I got out I continued to take off from home and drink and smoke more than what I was before. I was in a state of mind that alcohol and drugs were the only thing I knew. I soon got arrested again and was sent to juvy one more time.

This time was different. When I was in Juvy we had a pastor come in and give us a Gideons bible. It included Psalms, Proverbs, and the New Testament. The first verse that I learned was John 3:16. To you it may have been a common scripture but to me it was a stronghold. Something I held onto, something I still hold onto this day. To know that If I believe that God sent his one and only son I will not perish but have eternal life was something I held fast to.

When I got out of Juvy the second time I had the mindset of doing things God's way and straightening out my life. That did not last too long. I had no self esteem and when my "friends" started to come back around again I fell back into the things that I was doing before, BUT there was something different about this time. I kept hearing a voice saying go home you are loved. I brushed it off. I kept ignoring the voice until one day it was so loud that there was no ignoring it. I went home and went to go into the back door. That is when i heard laughter coming from upstairs. My mother and Brother were in my mom's room and they were laughing about something. At this point I heard another voice this time it was a deep raspy voice telling me see they are happy with out you why don't you leave. So I left. I listened to the wrong voice and I left.

I fell into the same old pattern of taking off from home and drinking. I didn't think about what this was doing to my mother, all I was thinking about was where my next fix was coming from. This went on for the next year. Finally a judge realized that juvy and the adp program did not work so they sent me to a program called the Children's Center. It is a center for children ranging from 8-18 yrs of age who have become uncontrollable and who can no longer be trusted. I am grateful to this day that I was sent to this program. The staff at the Children's Center opened my eyes to see that there is more out there than what meets the eye. That we don't always have to do what other people are doing.

I remember one staff member who saw a need and met that need. Her name was Jody and she took us to church on a Sunday morning and that fire that I thought had gone out started to warm up again. Then a change happened where Jody no longer worked there so I could no longer go to church on Sunday. I got depressed again. I didn't know "how" to pray, I didn't know how to cope with things, because I was never taught.

So the only thing I knew to do was to run. So I ran. and I kept on running until my 16th birthday. It was then that I decided to move out and move to Hamden Ct. To be closer to my boyfriend. So I moved and you know how the story goes girlfriend moves to be closer to boyfriend, boyfriend breaks up with girlfriend. I was upset but I did not run this time because I was working and I was on my own. I started to date a man that I worked with and after 2 yrs of dating we got married. After 2 yrs. of marriage and trying to get him to go to counseling we got a divorce. So by the age of 20 I was married and divorced. I didn't know what to do. So through a friend at work I started going back to church.


I can say that I am blessed. I can say that God has brought me out from a pit. It is through the grace of God that I am alive today and that I can write the things I do. We all go through things, some of which is our own fault, and some is a test to strengthen us. Do not be discouraged with your current situation because God can lead you to victory. Always remember it does not matter where you have been all that matters is where you are going.

There is a scripture I like because there is no need to elaborate on it.
Isaiah 41:10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

He Knows

Psalm 40:1-3

1I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.

2He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.

3And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD. KJV

The word cry comes from the Hebrew word shava` which means a primitive root; properly, to be free; but used only causatively and reflexively, to halloo (for help, i.e. freedom from some trouble):--cry (aloud, out), shout. ( Strong's Hebrew bible dictionary)

I first chose distinctive cry as a title to this writing because each of us has our own cry. Whether the cry is a joyous or painful it is distinct enough that only one person can decipher what we are in need of. That person is God. He knows that when we are crying out Oh Jesus! or Oh God! if we are in need of help or if we are just saying Oh Jesus Thank You. Then as I began to write I decided to change the title to He knows.

We ourselves know why we cry out but others do not unless you tell them. But what if you are not able to speak? What about an infant? Their only way of communication until they are able to speak is to cry and scream. As a care taker or a parent we are to determine by the cry what the child needs. There are many different meanings to an infants cry, you have a hungry, tired, dirty diaper, pay attention to me, and an I am hurt cry. The only way to determine what the cry means is to exercise the options, give them a toy, check their diaper, see if they are hurt, or see if they are hungry, this can be a long process. Once you are able to determine what the cry is for then you are able to resolve the situation. I work at a day care in the infant room and we usually have a baby crying. After four months of working there I am now able to tell which child is crying out and what the cry might be for. It took me a while to learn each cry because I had to in a sense study them.

Jeremiah 1:5 states Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.

Can I tell you God did not have to study you to know you? He didn't have to sit there and say I wonder why they are crying, He already knows. He knew our voice before we were able to speak a word. He knows what we are going to become. He knows when He is going to have to carry you through a situation. I can not express this enough HE KNOWS. So if God truly knows everything about us then why do we still hide from him?. As Christians we tend to forget that God knows everything that we do. We act as if He doesn't know what we are doing because He is not walking next to us. Not only is He walking next to us but He is walking within us. If we have accepted Jesus as our Saviour and acknowledge the fact that He is within us then He is with us. God isn't just a Sunday thing He is an every day, hour, minute, second, He is every breath that we take, Every Word that we speak, every step we take. Every aspect of our lives should reflect God.
Psalm 139:1-16 states
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. 2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.5 You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. 7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. 13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

He did not have to study you to know you. As the mighty Creator, God knows his creation. He knows our comings and goings. He knows our every move before we set out to move. He will be there for us when we call on Him. He will never leave us nor forsake us. We are His children and He is our Father. Isaiah 41:10 states Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Do not fear for God is with you He will give us strength He will lift us up out of the pit, he will be there for us all we have to do is Call on Him. Do not be afraid to call out GOD I NEED HELP. Don't be afraid to reach to him just stretch your hands towards Him and tell Him how you need Him. He already knows that you need Him it is just the matter of you yourself acknowledging the fact that you need Him. So don't worry about what others are doing or saying reach to God because HE KNOWS.

Prayer and Praise

13Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. 14Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. 16Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. James 5:13-16


The main purpose of praying is to gain a closer relationship with our Lord and Savior. There are many ways to pray and there are many things to request when we pray. People often wonder what is the proper way to pray, here is the good news there is no proper way. When we pray we are having a conversation with God, so just talk to him, but make sure you listen attentively because it is not a one-sided conversation it is two-sided. God wants to speak to us also, and when he does it is usually after we have been praying or fasting. The posture in which we pray is also something that has been misconstrued, it doesn't matter what position you are in when you are praying just as long as you are praying. You can be laying prostrate, kneeling with your head bowed and hands folded, you can be sitting, standing, walking around, or you can even be in bed. God does not care how or when we speak to him just as long as we are doing it. Here are some examples in the bible of the positions they were in when they prayed.

31 and they believed. And when they heard that the LORD was concerned about them and had seen their misery, they bowed down and worshiped. Exodus 40:31

18 Jehoshaphat bowed with his face to the ground, and all the people of Judah and Jerusalem fell down in worship before the LORD. 2Chronicles 20:18

39Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." Matthew 26:39

22 Then Solomon stood before the altar of the LORD in front of the whole assembly of Israel, spread out his hands toward heaven 1Kings 8:22

2 Chronicles 7:14
If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land

It is through the power of prayer that we start to see things happen that are "unfathomable" to us. See with God all things are possible, There is nothing too difficult or too impossible for God.
It also states in Matthew 19:26 But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. When people need something they tend to pray, you have believers and non-believers who only pray when they need something. It is amazing to me that even people who do not believe that Jesus is the Lord and Savior start to pray when they are in a rut. Why is that? The reason I think is because they have looked every where else before they decided to look up. God speaks to each and everyone of us weather we are Christians or not, it is up to us if we choose to listen or not. So when you pray what do you pray about? Do you pray just for yourself? What about if your child, friend, pastor, church family, or community needs. Do you pray? Do you ask God to bless those less fortunate than you or do you ask God to increase your pay so you can give to the needy? Or do you just ask God to bless you and "forget" those around you? We need to remember that it is not about us and that it is about God and what God has planned.

If your prayer is in accordance to God's will for your life then it will be answered. 1 John 5:14-15 states 14This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. 15And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him. God hears your prayer only if the prayer request is in His will for you and your life. If it is not, then the above verse is implying that He will not hear your prayer. If your prayer is not in accordance to God's will then it will not be granted. This is where each Christian has to really get a grip on any specific prayer requests they are presenting to God. If God comes back letting you know that what you are asking for is not in His perfect will for you and your life, then you have to let it go, trust that God knows best and move on. So the first thing you have to do before approaching God on your specific prayer request is to make sure that your prayer request is in His perfect will for you and your life. There are several ways you can do this. The first is to analyze your prayer request. When you have analyzed it and still do not know if it is the will of God then ask Him and He will answer you. The second way is to ask the Holy spirit if this is something you should be praying for. The Holy Spirit is here to guide us according to God's will so ask him and he shall respond. Do not hesitate to ask if you are unsure because you will receive an answer. No matter how dumb you think the question is the important thing is that you are inquiring if you are doing the right thing or not.

When we pray we should pray in faith. Without having faith that it will happen then it probably won't. Why then should you pray if you lack the faith that your prayer will be answered. It is like you are saying Lord I want this to happen but I don't think you can do it. It states in Matthew 6:30-31 30Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? 31Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? Have faith that it will happen and it will if it is in accordance to God's will.

When God answers our prayers we need to start praising him. Shout to the lord with a voice of triumph and say THANK YOU. Don't hold it in. It is also through our praise that we come closer to him. Psalm 34:1 states I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth. With his praise continually on our mouths the more the spirit will move freely within us. The Holy spirit loves an attitude of gratitude. So continue to pray and to praise God through the Hard times and you shall come out of it standing. There is a song that I have been listening to called We fall down by Donnie Mcclurkin it states We fall down but we get up for a saint is just a sinner who fell down but we couldn't stay there and got up. The way we get back up is through prayer and through praise. You can't have an intimate relationship with God without prayer and with out praise.

Here are a few verses from the bible on praise and prayer.

Psalm 72:14-15
14He shall redeem their soul from deceit and violence: and precious shall their blood be in his sight.15And he shall live, and to him shall be given of the gold of Sheba: prayer also shall be made for him continually; and daily shall he be praised.

Acts 16:24-26
24Who, having received such a charge, thrust them into the inner prison, and made their feet fast in the stocks. 25And at midnight Paul and Silas prayed, and sang praises unto God: and the prisoners heard them. 26And suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken: and immediately all the doors were opened, and every one's bands were loosed.

Psalm 66:20
Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!


Prayer and Praise should go Hand in Hand. So if you are going to pray remember to have faith and when God gives you your answer or blessing Praise him with all you heart. Also remember that if ti is the will of God it shall come to pass. You might have to wait a while for it to come but don't give up do not lose your faith. Have patience for one moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life. We often pray for something and become impatient when it doesn't come fast enough and through that impatience we tend to do things our own way and in the process lose what we first prayed about. Hebrews 10:36 states For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise. Is not praying the will of God? So lets see if I have this correct if we pray we are doing the will of God so then by doing the will of God we will receive the promise. I don't know if you got that so I will say it again IF WE PRAY WE ARE DOING THE WILL OF GOD, AND BY DOING THE WILL OF GOD WE WILL RECEIVE THE PROMISE OR SHOULD I SAY PROMISES.

Denominations and religion

This is a subject that has been going through my head for the past year or so. There are many "denominations" out there, to name a few Anglicans, Catholics, Independents, Marginals, Orthodox, Protestants, Charismatics, Pentecostals. Each denomination has its own way of preaching, teaching, and living according to The Word of God. Why is that? Why do we have to separate every Sunday and go to different churches that teach different things? Why not go to a church where the Word of God is preached from the bible according to the Bible?

You constantly have people fighting over the doctrine that a church teaches. If the doctrine that they are teaching is coming from the bible then there shouldn't be an argument. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying certain scriptures here and there I am saying the whole bible from Genesis all the way to Revelations. No where in the bible does it state that we are to go to this church, at this time, and have this long of a service. It is through the segregation of the denominations that turn non-believers away from God. Imagine with me that you are a non-believer and you are beginning to see that there is something more out there. The first thing you do is you go to find a church, so you look to your friends who go to church. The first one tells you come to my church the pastor is good and the service is only 30 min. The second one tells you come to my church the pastor is great and service is an hour. Then you look to the third friend and they tell you the pastor is good but the Word is phenomenal and the service lasts 3 hours. What is going through your head? Whats going through mine is why are the length of the services different if they serve the same God? What is different about the God they serve in the 1st church compared to the 3rd church. The difference is the first church religiously follows a set schedule where the 3rd church flows according to the Spirit. That is were religion comes in. When you have a church based solely on their religion then there is no room for God to move.


We are too wrapped up with the "religion based church" and having our Sunday best on, to praise and worship God the way we are intended to praise and worship Him.
Psalm 150 states
1Praise the LORD.
Praise God in his sanctuary;
praise him in his mighty heavens.

2 Praise him for his acts of power;
praise him for his surpassing greatness.

3 Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet,
praise him with the harp and lyre,

4 praise him with tambourine and dancing,
praise him with the strings and flute,

5 praise him with the clash of cymbals,
praise him with resounding cymbals.

6 Let everything that has breath praise the LORD.
Praise the LORD.

That scripture speaks for itself. We should praise God with everything that is in us. It does not say do it in this church or under this teaching. It does say Praise God in His sanctuary. God's sanctuary is our hearts because that is where he dwells, but our sanctuary should be a church where the word of God is taught according to the Bible and where His spirit should move openly and freely not on our terms. The second verse states Praise Him in His mighty Heaven, If we praise Him in our hearts and then use our body to show the praise we give him the angels in Heaven will begin to praise Him with us. The last verse states Let Everything that has breath praise the Lord. It states everything this means every color, every sex, every social class, every young person to every old person. It does not state that only this person can praise God this way. We are all given gifts in which we use them to praise God, Some it is the gift of song or voice, and some it is the gift of dance or teaching. With everything that we do we should praise God.

There are so many churches that are based on what social class you are with to the way you clap your hands in church. What we need to understand is that we are Christians we believe that Jesus was and is and is to Come. As long as you believe this you shouldn't worry about what denomination you are part of because as Christians we will always be part of God.

Then you have the difference of what religion is the church, why should that matter? We as a society are too concerned about what religion this person is or what religion is this church. Why not say I am a Christian and I go to a church where the word of God is preached according to the way it is written. Many times I have been asked what religion are you, So as politely as I can I look at them with a big smile on my face and say I am a Christian I do not practice a religion. This throws them and then they come back with are you Religious and I say yes I religiously go to church every Sunday, But I serve My Lord and Saviour Jesus not a religion. What I am getting at is it does not matter what religion you say you are what matters is, is if you are serving the Lord Jesus Christ. Religion is man-made and this is something that we need to understand. I go to a church where it doesn't matter what social class you are with or if you are of a different race. All that matters is that you Love God with all your heart and you are willing to do whatever it takes to get closer to Him.

Again I stress it does not matter what church you go to, it does not matter what religion you are all that matters is that you Serve God with all your heart.

I ask you to do one thing look through the bible and tell me how many times it says the word denomination. I can tell you now don't bother looking because you will not find it. It is not written. So why do we have them?

Here is a Song by Kirk Franklin it is called the Blood Song.
So many different religions
And so many different churches
And if God really loves me
Then why does life keep hurting me?
Have you ever asked any of these questions?
Well my friend I’ve got the answer just listen

You have the power
To make the seasons change
The river flows for you
The wind whispers Your name
For me you left Your throne
And traded crown for thorns instead
I'm safe within not by Your skin
But because Your blood was red

Some say You're black, you're white
They question if you're real
We treat you like we treat ourselves
I wonder how you feel
To see your children fight in spite
of the tears for us you've shed
Doesn't matter what color you are
As long as your blood was red

[Chorus]
For it's strong enough to wash away my sins
And it's pure enough to cleanse me deep within
And it's real enough to find me when I'm lost
Great enough to die upon the cross
It doesn't matter what color you are
As long as your blood was red

We may be different but
The God we serve's the same
Yet every Sunday we separate
And bring the Father pain
Your name is higher than any other
Yet You took my place instead
And now my sins are washed away
Because Your blood was red

(Repeat chorus)

Oh precious is the flow
That makes me white as snow
No other fount I know
Doesn’t matter what color you are
As long as your blood was red
Doesn’t matter what color you are
As you are as long as your blood was red
Doesn’t matter what color I am
As long as my blood was red